Pastor Tricia's Ramblings

(Colossians 3:18–21)

When we read the book of Colossians, Paul does something we don’t always like: he gets practical. He doesn’t just float in the theological heavens with grand talk of Christ’s supremacy, though he does that beautifully in chapters 1 and 2. He doesn’t just call us to set our hearts on things above, not on earthly things (Col. 3:1–2). He brings it all down to the everyday grind of our relationships. And here’s the truth: it’s easier to talk about setting our hearts on heaven than it is to deal with conflict in the home.

That’s where Paul goes in Colossians 3:18–21. This is one of those passages that makes people shift in their seats. We love reading about putting off sin and putting on love. But then Paul starts talking about wives and husbands, children and parents. Suddenly it feels personal. Suddenly it feels heavy. Because it is. These are the places where faith meets reality.

So let’s read it together:

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

(Colossians 3:18–21, NIV)

Today, in Part One, we’re going to focus on verses 18 and 19—wives and husbands. This is the foundation of the family, and the family is the foundation of the community. Paul knew that. God knew that. And so he starts with the marriage relationship.

When the Bible Makes Us Groan

Let’s be honest—when people hear “Wives, submit to your husbands,” the groans come out. I get it. Women hear it and feel like it’s an ancient power grab. Men sometimes hear it and get puffed up, ready to wield authority like a club. And then the whole passage gets misunderstood.

But what if it doesn’t mean what you think it means?

This verse wasn’t written to enforce male domination. In fact, it was radically different from the culture it was written in. In the first century Roman world, women were considered property. Husbands could rule over them, dismiss them, and even discard them. In that world, Paul wasn’t enforcing cultural norms—he was pushing back against them.

The key phrase is this: “as is fitting in the Lord.”

That changes everything. Submission was never meant to be blind obedience to whatever a husband says. It’s not slavery. It’s not silence. It’s not losing your voice. It’s not staying in sin or harm because “the Bible says submit.” Paul sets the boundary: submission only as it honors the Lord.

And here’s where it gets even more interesting: the word “submission” itself is often misunderstood. “Sub” means under. “Mission” means purpose or calling. So submission literally means “to come under the mission.”

Wives are called to come under the God-given mission of their husbands. That means walking in unity, supporting the mission, helping carry the calling. But here’s the catch—husbands actually have to have a mission worth following.

Husbands: Love Like Christ

Paul doesn’t stop with wives. He immediately turns to husbands. And if we’re honest, this is where the real weight lies:

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”

When Paul wrote this, it was groundbreaking. Remember, in Jewish and Roman culture, a man could treat his wife however he wanted. She was his property. Yet Paul steps in with a command rooted in Christ: Don’t treat your wife harshly. Love her.

It echoes what Paul says in Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

That’s not a passive love. It’s not selfish. It’s not domineering. It’s sacrificial. Christ’s love meant laying down his life for his bride, the church. That’s the standard. That’s the call.

And let’s be clear—this isn’t about loving her only when it’s easy. It’s not about loving her when she’s submissive or respectful. It’s not about loving her when she’s meeting your needs. It’s about loving her like Christ loved the church—while she was still broken, still imperfect, still struggling. That’s the love that changes everything.

What Does “Harsh” Really Mean?

Paul doesn’t leave husbands with vague poetry about love. He makes it practical: don’t be harsh.

We often think harshness means physical violence, and yes, that’s the extreme. But harshness is often subtler, quieter, socially acceptable. It’s the tone of voice. The disregard. The neglect. The lack of tenderness.

Here are some ways harshness creeps in:

• Critical words. Constantly pointing out flaws—her looks, her abilities, her choices—without affirmation.
• Dismissing feelings. Saying she’s overreacting or “too sensitive.”
• Withholding affection. Shutting her out emotionally, not just physically.
• Belittling. Using sarcasm or jokes that cut her down, in private or in public.
• The silent treatment. Withdrawing for hours or days, leaving her confused and isolated.
• Control. Dictating her time, relationships, or activities under the excuse of “leading.”
• Neglect. Leaving her to carry the full weight of the home or children without gratitude or partnership.

None of these require physical force. But every one of them communicates disregard, disrespect, and dishonor. And that is not how Christ loves his bride.

Love That Looks Like Jesus

So what does it look like for a husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church?

It looks like tenderness. Patience. Humility. It looks like listening instead of dismissing. It looks like lifting her up with encouragement instead of cutting her down with criticism. It looks like showing care when you’re tired or frustrated. It looks like laying down your pride to serve her, just as Christ laid down his life for us.

Paul’s call isn’t just about men being a little nicer. It’s about men embodying the love of Christ in their marriages. That kind of love transforms a home. It transforms children. It transforms communities.

And here’s the beautiful part: when a husband truly loves like Christ, a wife doesn’t fight submission. She doesn’t resist coming under the mission. Because she knows she’s safe. She knows she’s honored. She knows she’s loved. And unity becomes possible.

But What If He Doesn’t Love Like That?

Now, let’s address the hard reality. What if your husband isn’t living up to this? What if he is harsh? What if he isn’t loving like Christ?

Does that mean wives get a free pass to do whatever they want? No. Ultimately, every one of us is under God’s authority. Our call is always to honor Him first.

Sometimes that means loving a husband who isn’t living in obedience yet. Sometimes it means showing respect and kindness even when it’s not reciprocated. That’s not easy. That’s not fair. But God sees it. And God honors it.

I can share from my own story here. My husband used to be extremely harsh. I don’t even think he realized how harsh he was at the time. Looking back, he does now. He’s owned it. He’s taken responsibility. But in that season, God’s call to me was simple: honor Him by honoring my husband. Even when it was hard. Even when it hurt.

And I can tell you, God worked in ways I couldn’t see. He used my quiet obedience, my choosing to love and respect, as a tool to soften my husband’s heart. Today, our marriage looks very different because of God’s work in both of us.

Why This Matters

So why does Paul start here, with wives and husbands? Because marriage is the foundation of the family. And the family is the foundation of the community. When marriages are broken, communities crumble. When marriages reflect Christ, families flourish.

This passage isn’t about oppression. It’s not about power. It’s about love. It’s about humility. It’s about mission. It’s about reflecting Christ in the most intimate, daily relationship we have.

And here’s the truth: if we can’t live out the love of Christ in our homes, we won’t live it out anywhere else.

A Word of Challenge

If you’re a wife reading this, ask yourself: Am I willing to support the mission God has given my husband? Am I willing to walk in unity, not because he’s perfect, but because I trust God?

If you’re a husband, ask yourself: Am I truly loving my wife like Christ loved the church? Or am I excusing harshness, neglect, or pride?

This is where faith gets real. This is where the gospel meets the kitchen table, the living room, the late-night arguments, the shared responsibilities. This is where Christ is either visible—or invisible—in your life.

Paul’s words are uncomfortable, but they’re also freeing. They point us toward relationships marked not by control or selfishness but by love and honor. They invite us to live differently from the culture around us. They call us to reflect Christ.

And that’s exactly what our world needs.